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Written

I write words

That none will see.

None that matter,
not to me.
I write words
that none will see.
Our souls
need not words.
Our hearts
need not sentiment.
Our minds
need not validation.
I write words
That none will see.
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3 words

I scribble thoughts,

Quickly to be erased.
Scratched out,
Backspace,
Delete.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

Words.
Don’t fill the emptiness inside my heart.
Words.
Can not replace what I was not prepared to lose.
Words.
I am stuck in a sea of words,
Drowning in ink … 
Words.
Unspoken, deleted, silenced.
Words.
Letters on a page, across a screen…
Words.
Gave you to me.
Words.
Fail me now.
I do not dare to say, type, or write.
As the same three scream from my soul.
Always appearing on my screen, in my head, across the page…

Those three words..
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

Truth tellers 

I can tell you I am okay. 
But,
My eyes always will always give me away..


— I can not hide the truth and smile in my eyes … Even after all this time… Love for you has no disguise… 

Bayside thoughts… 

Lies run into truths and how do we decipher?   I can be your best friend, your heart,  but I can not save you.  I can hold you in the darkest hours and stand with you in the brightest of lights and weather the storm, but I can not save you.  Lies build nothing but a pile of heartbreak and sadness.  We hide behind the masks we wear, hoping for a glimpse of truth and perhaps a small chance at happiness.  We both know it’s not real, and in the end, when the pieces fall, we are left holding each other or going our separate ways.  The reality of it is, we won’t be.  I will be here, and you will remain steadfast and good….as good as the lies we tell ourselves.  As good as the days run into nights, run into more time wasted; as we tell ourselves we are okay.  We both know temporary fixes never heal the shattered soul.  We hide behind words we don’t say, and pleasantries we wish we could elaborate on.  Like, ‘i am not okay, and a simple ‘have a nice day’ ….could be instead ‘what the fuck happened’  truth be told, lies are what keeps me from breaking completely.  I sit and wonder sometimes how the conversation would transpire, and am immediately snapped back into reality when I look around at an empty chair, look to a screen without a notification, look into the mirror at eyes that used to glimmer at the thought of a future. A place that no longer exists.  A place I would have fought like hell for.  Now it’s just a pile of lies among the pieces of our shattered souls.   I look into the eyes of people and wonder if they can see the pain I try to hide.  I can adapt and pretend to smile and on the inside I am broken and wonder if I can ever recover.  I can understand that I will forever be changed by having loved and having lost, but at what point does the pain ever feel less.  When does the hurt subside?  So for now, I will hide behind the pleasantries and the emotionless responses because it’s easier than the truth of admitting that maybe I am not as progressed as I thought or as I assume to be. 

Edit: please forgive the grammar, typos, run-on’s, etc… Truly a bunch of run on Bayside thoughts…. 🌟 Thank you for stopping by….. T🌟

Now what? 

You own a piece of my soul, and the broken pieces of my heart; that whisper your sweet name…. Even when I fight it, even when I know there is no chance, even when I know I should be moving on.  It’s your name that comes from a place deep inside me.  I was not prepared to love you, and then lose you. Now what?  

 (And now there is this void, that can never be replaced)

This tryst 

The pretense I live in

Disguised by the mask,

Strength over fear…

You see through,

This guise,

Through my eyes,

(I wish you were here)

The conversation ALWAYS

Turns to sex….

The one thing we did well.

How I wish I could give,

These truths we hide,

When you call, 

I can not seem to 

find my thoughts…

You know I’m lying.

But we go ahead. 

And continue this 

Tryst.

Knowing what we don’t say,

Lingers … Beyond the end button..

Late into my night, 

Deep into your day.  

(I wish you were here) 

My addiction

I’ve put you up my nose.
I’ve put you in my veins.
A sad day that was.
I cried the second I pushed it through…
Trying to numb this pain,
And thinking I’d be good. 

Silly me,
left with an addiction,
And a broken heart. 

No bottle,
No syringe,
No powder,
And no pill,
Can do to me,
This love. 
This sickness.
Still.

I seek therapy,
I go to groups.
There is no 12 step plan,
That will free me from you. 

Unexplained phenomenon

Our eyes locked, hearts’ beat as one—magic.  But your soul, found mine in a place for only us to ever know. 

— my soul knew you before we touched. This heartbreak made me believe in magic.  Love is unexplained between two souls.  They just know. 

Survival

To die,

Although alive.

A heartbeat,

Seeing through lifeless eyes.

Trapped in a dangerous life.

Each day that goes by,

one less chance to survive

Or

To live!

Each moment.

Arms open wide,

Clear conscience,

free of disguise.

no burden of lies…

I don’t want to be buried alive.

This woman tries. 

I choose life.

I choose me.

(When my soul found yours, I felt free. 

I believed you when you said you loved me)

Come undone 

Hold me in your darkness,

Where you keep those thoughts.

I know they exist.

I see them in your eyes.

The eyes and smile,

You’ve expertly tried to guise.  

I have been there.

Locked in that gaze.

Helpless, breathless..

I know that filth.  

I know that man, 

You keep hidden.

all those dark, 

dirty secrets,

I crave them…

The pleasure

the pain.

The real you,

The look, 

you can not disguise.

The truth.