As a young girl, I had things laid out before me. A comfortable home, a yard to play in. I climbed the trees and built castles in the sand. Mom and dad gave me outlets for my creativity, and boundaries for my need for adventure. Things were content. Until they weren’t.
As time progressed, and I grew I tested each boundary, like many children and adolescent teens do. Mom and dad always pulled me back in, sorting through my choices. It wasn’t that I didn’t know right from wrong, I just maybe didn’t care. I always believed things would be sorted.
Adulthood has given me challenges bigger than I could ever bear, bigger than mom or dad could sort, bigger than I could ever imagine in my mind. I married because it was time… Afraid to break the expected plan that was sorted for me. We brought children into the world, creating love I had never knew existed. We blamed each other and hurt until we could no longer bear it. Upon the disolusion of that band, I sunk into a deeper hole. Who am I to try and sort the lives of innocence when I can not even get it right for myself?
Restart began, and true love was found in an unexpected man. The promises were made and plans were out into place. Sorting. Always sorting … Logistics on where to begin a blended family. We were connected mind, body, and spirit. And I was in awe that I could love someone this much. Now dad was gone, and I prayed and begged him for his guidance. Mom always the anchor to my sanity and faith, but dad always remained and still does remain the voice I hold closest to my heart. Love makes us do crazy things, and I was no different. I remember things my father told me about reacting emotionally and intelligently.
Restart begins again now, as the love I realized was not enough. Maybe I was not enough or too much? Having my children has never been held against me, they are me and I am them. I had given my heart and soul to another, only to have it handed back in 3 lines on a WhatsApp message. ‘my family will not accept this’ and ‘i must do this for me and them’ and ‘i will not contact you anymore’
Done, over, the end.
Restart begins right now. I can take many things, I have endured many things. I can sort out anything. My heart will catch up.