I remember when we took this photo. It was a mistake and I was standing in the street. You pulled me up on the sidewalk out of the buzzing cars and taxis. We were that couple who couldn’t stop touching. The kind of couple old people stop and comment on. I stumbled on this photo by accident. I thought I deleted everything part of you from my life. Every gift, momento, letter, even the play bills and movie tickets I kept which you made fun of me… ‘making memories, babe’ you laughed at my silliness. That laugh. The way your eyes crinkled, the beauty and warmth the way your eyes held me. I wonder what you did with the panini press.. a symbolic gift I gave for the home we would one day share. Another memory packed away.
That particular day, we held hands and made love often. I don’t know why at this time, I am flooded with thoughts of you. The waves of emotion hit me, I smile at your face, blush at the thought of your touch, cry at the dreams dashed, get angry at how we ended … Well you ended, I remain stuck. I heard it gets easier. I heard ‘time’ does wonders. I am still here, I am still breathing. At times I don’t want to do anything but stay on that street corner and bore you with facts about churches and point at fire escapes, hold your hand and touch your face. Like that church, I remain fixed in a particular place. People walk about me, oblivious to the history or the heartache. New developments being built all around, life going on, new life. I feel stuck, and mourning over someone and something that I gave entirely to.
I do understand rationally that I will be okay. I hear that one day, I may even experience that beautiful feeling of love and honor you showed me by someone else. I am able to do it for myself now. Maybe that’s what you wanted all along. I don’t understand this love, I knew I loved you and waited my whole life for you. And now it’s over. The pyre has burned and the ashes are spread… Why do I feel so alone still? Damn you Google drive! saving photos…..
— Where are you when I need you the most? — no longer relevant, and the truth hurts